This photo has nothing to do with this post....i just like it
This is me channeling my frustrations. I’m typing on my laptop, the very smooth soundings of the Cinematic Orchestra gently massage my ears. Within the confines of my chunky Sennheisers Fontella Bass’s voice drips honey, “All that you are, All that you have, All that you give”, i attempt to decrypt it hoping to find some answers to my current situation within the very simple lyrics of the song…. Nope, nothing, nada, keep typing fool. A single incense stick burns infront of me, the product of my Aunt’s daily devotion. I stare at it, believing it to be the one icon of zen that may bring balance to the tired and hopeless terrain that is my conscious at this very moment. My conscience, responds to the situation with the raspy wit i have come to expect from it “You don’t do Zen” it says abruptly and then proceeds to change the topic, a tactic that more often than not leads to me wasting the day in escapism “How hot is DIora Baird?” he exclaims with the excitement of a puppy. I quietly pat it on its head, i will not waste my day googling “the hotness of Diora Baird”… at least not today. So for now i will continue to channel the frustrations of this trip, in words…..lets begin;
By now you all probably know things haven’t gone to plan in India. I am struggling, been here six weeks and haven’t done an awful lot, some will blame me, infact most people blame me, but i know i have tried, several times as well to break free and infact “travel” only to be catapulted right back to whence i began. I can’t help but feel as though the trip thus far has been a bit of a bad investment. I should’ve seen the signs in the beginning and the many many more signs that followed, the refusal of the 6 month visa by the Indian embassy in Australia, the attacks in Mumbai, a high alert (and justifiably so) India leading to a more complicated stay for those of us born across the border, a disastrous night in Bangalore where i missed a train to Kerala due to overbooked seats, being man handled at Bangalore train station and me reacting rather primitively with my fists, a solo attempt to book a hotel in central Mumbai only to run away in fear after being asked to show my passport (a gesture which if complied with could very easily lead to a face to face meeting with the police for me), missing out on a film workshop by Sudhir Mishra and Mira Nair as a result of the aforementioned, a roadtrip to inner Maharashtra that left me sick as a dog through the new year, NGO’s that once promised co-operation in my research turning their backs on me (leading to me having to can the documentary idea…for this trip at least) and now the latest snag a complete freeze on my credit cards and debit cards for reasons unknown, rendering me unable to transact anything online. Fun, fun, fun, but i shouldn’t complain all that much, i have people in Mumbai so for all the whingeing i get to be at home with family and friends, an option that is far superior than being stranded in an alien town and knowing nobody. So for that i am grateful. But a part of me yearns for the thrill, for the solitude of a backpack and a dusty road, i feel as though i may never ever really experience the high of real backpacking and i genuinely cant envisage myself seeing anything outside of Mumbai, i don’t say that seeking pity or anything like that. It’s just that i feel as though the fight really has left me and I’ve given up on planning and doing anything, partly out of fear partly out of resignation. I stand firmly between these two posts, just living, not really doing.
I’ve had the privilege of growing up in a highly spiritual household, Kabir, Gibran, Yogananda, Vivekananda are names I’ve grown up with, and its not uncommon to find my parents locked in discussion as to the mechanics of the Gita on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. I went to a secular version of Sunday school since i was a child and as a result have plenty of life long friends who have had a similarly gnostic upbringing, the result is a bunch of friends who rationalise everything with a spiritual twang. So when the Indian sob story was retold by yours truly in the comforts of gmail with emoticons and all to highlight my pain, the responses i received would make even the biggest spiritual swindler blush. I was told to surrender my will to the powers that be by doing nothing (laziness comes naturally to me so this is an option i am taking up with great gusto), i was told that i was in all probability burning bad karma through this process and that things would surely turn around sometime soon, i was told that maybe my birth charts were not “travel friendly”, i was even told that by doing “nothing” i was infact doing “something” to better my trip and that i should learn from the nothingness and embrace the inactivity. Each rationalisation was like a metal tipped Colorado boot to my groin, and as great as spiritual rationalisations may look on paper and in all the guidebooks, when you’re stuck in a rut, cornered with almost every option cut off due to powers outside of your control you can’t help but feel as though almost everything is a cop out. I don’t know what i’ve learnt in my six weeks here, but a life lesson amongst them there definitely is not.
I think alot of this is my own fault in one way and in one way alone. I have emotionally invested far too much in this trip. I have put all my eggs in the one basket….. a part of me wants to travel yes, but an even greater part hopes that the liberation of solo travel will unlock a level of self knowledge that i had equated with prolonged solitude. This desperate reliance on India to be that substrate upon which i gather my life epiphany is driving that very experience away from me, i want a life changing experience so badly that fate is keeping it out of reach, maybe I’m not ready for the trappings that come along with this level of knowledge? Maybe i need to stop wanting? Maybe you just cannot force yourself to learn anything and true learning comes only through experience? I think all this disappointment is really starting to affect my brain and I’m organically starting to dole out the very same faux-remedial kernels of spiritual nothingness that my friends were showering upon me earlier. I don’t know….. for now i remain utterly confused and desperate, without any answers for the future, without any plans. Firmly, firmly placed between the granite walls of fear and resignation….i should probably make the most of this “nothingness” …..
-n-
