Ahmednagar
Reds, yellows, pinks and greens (no blues sadly), but the aforementioned mosaic of colour was infact my last three meals combined that i just threw up in a lovely vintage pink ceramic basin here in Ahmednagar, Maharashtra. I’m sickly and for some reason inspired to write SOMETHING for my rather malnourished little blog, so here we go.
Were only three and a half hours from 2009 here in India it’s already the new year back home in Sydney, and i must admit i am missing my people at this very moment. Would genuinely do anything for a few sms’s from my Sydney mates, but i guess i must settle with what the situation has given me. I remember this time last year and think about just how different my life was back then….comfortable is probably the best way to put it. A comfort ability that was beginning to gnaw at me and loosen what little foundation of being I may have had.
2008 has been the most eventful year of my life, yes thats probably a big call seeing as i’m really not that old but its the truth. Im not going to lionise myself and say i have overcome hurdles the size of mountains this year or anything even closely resembling that, my life in comparison to most peoples is a piece of cake, so complain i not. But for the rather sheltered 26 years i have had on this planet of ours i have gone through a few things that have forced me to really cut the anchor and let go. Relationships were ended , work allegiances severed, careers reconsidered, my mettle tested in one moment in February that has forever shaken me and now this trip here to a country i have always considered my muse (none of the above i regret though, i needed to experience all of them, and they needed to happen). This really is the furthest i have been from myself let alone my rather comfortable and to a mild degree privileged north shore existence, and what have i learnt?… I am a creature of comfort. Seeking comfort is almost always my first instinct, its a trait i am not at all proud off, it encourages one to never ever really test themselves and i think people who allow this characteristic to consume their behaviour and personality never ever leave a comfort zone that can do more damage than it can good. The trinkets are nice but they are familiar, and familiarity in my opinion breeds mediocrity of being. Something i fear for myself as i realise more and more that six weeks into this trip i have left my comfort zone maybe once. It’s rather disappointing and it shows how engrained into my psyche this disease is. I have decorated my rationalisations with an infinite number of rather creative scenarios that don’t do much for me, anything becomes an excuse, and right now my excuse has been my passport and the recent terrorist activity in Mumbai. Some would say fair enough the environment isn’t conducive to your search, but maybe i’m letting “them” win. Maybe the fact that i’m in Ahmednagar right now is a subconscious plot to remain comfortable amongst friends and family? I can’t really say i know…… everytime i fight against this quantum force i find myself right back where i began, in the comforts of home. Is this a test? Is this India saying im not ready for her? Should i let it guide me or should i throw myself into it and let it gnash away at me with its dusty stone teeth, its raspy arid tongue (i’m in inner Maharashtra in the winter….i write only what i see) and regurgitate me out as a sturdy emerald of inner strength? (Forgive me for the vomit metaphor i am still suffereing from the after effects of my stomach bug both physiologically and creatively) Again i am searching for the answer but my inner voice for years bound, blindfolded and gagged to a rather rickety old chair says push on and throw yourself out there……so with that thought and three hours till midnight i will begin my Indian new year… amidst the vow of uncomfortability. Maybe i’ll give her a call and tell her how i feel, maybe i’ll catch a train to Srinagar and run the risk of arrest, maybe i’ll do that helicopter ride of the Sunderbans i’ve always wanted to do, maybe i’ll go home and re-think the documentary and focus on rural Aboriginal communities instead? I really can’t say what i’ll do, India hasn’t given me the answers i’ve wanted, maybe i should just straight up ask myself instead and address the real problem? It’s obvious i go into 2009 rather confused, hopefully i will come out of it a little wiser…..anyway Happy New Year from sunny Ahmednagar guys, hope to see you all soon.
-n-
